Doug Smith is a beat grunt of nuance

ZGall1 is phoning this one in from the Southern Hemisphere.

Saw this on True Hoop's First Cup

Doug Smith of the Toronto Star: "Stats, and the analysis of them, do have a place in pro sports but there is a tendency -- as this corner sees it, at least -- to give them far, far too much weight. Basketball, in particular, is a game of nuance, of chemistry between the players on the court, of one guy rising to the occasion one night and another the next. It's all well and good to study stats but it's a game that requires more study of people than numbers. The Raptors may indeed finish lower than sixth in the Eastern Conference -- although it's a stretch to suggest they're a worse team than Miami or even Philadelphia, in the opinion of many -- but to suggest that will occur after studying stats requires a grand leap of faith."

It was preceded by this quote:

Jonathan Feigen of the Houston Chronicle: "Modesty might prevent admitting that it has taken years for the stat crew members at Toyota Center -- most often Tony Stick, Tracy Clayton, Ken Nicholas and Mann -- to hone their art to the point that not only were they the only NBA crew the league did not correct last season, they inspire raves from noted statistics aficionado and Rockets general manager Daryl Morey. Morey considers their work so vital that he is sending his veterans back to Hidalgo to work with the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. It won't be the only trip of the season. The NBA flew the Rockets crew to Las Vegas to work the 2007 All-Star Game and annually flies it to other All-Star festivities, with the local crew handling the game. 'They're in the front lines for us in terms of helping evaluating what we're doing on the floor,' Morey said. 'They were the only stat crew in the NBA last year that didn't have a mistake. They track everything that happens from an event perspective. They get it right, and they get it right the first time, and that allows us to get to the coaches early evaluations. That feedback right away often becomes the most valuable.' "

Doug Smith, go suck a @!*#, you ignorant !&$@.

Someone else wants to FDS?

Too bad it's the New York Post which is to newspapers what Lune Moons are to dessert.

More considered negotiation advice from DS

He whiffed with Anthony Parker but maybe the poetic prose of Douglas Moneybags Smith can entice the Raptor brass to write Carlos Delfino that blank cheque that any decent Argentinian chucker deserves:

I’d probably draw the line at a three-year deal worth about $15 million total for Delfino but I’m not sure I’d fully guarantee that last year and for Rasho I’d give him two years at the biannual exception.

While you're at it Doug, can you devote a couple of blog lines to how Fire Doug Smith should at least win a Pullitzer with an option for a Caldecott (we love kiddies!).

Doug Smith: Appraises like he journalizes

I would think a two-year deal at somewhere around $9 or $10 million – the same salary he made last year – with perhaps a third year option would be logical jumping off point.

Elsewhere in Doug Smith's fantasy world, Big Macs are priced at a svelte $900 per. Offering any less for a special sauce-slathered beef explosion would be an insult to one of the all-time classiest manwiches, a real burger's burger...

Greased-up metaphors aside, do you realize that if Doug Smith ran the Raptors, they'd be over the luxury tax and have four players on the roster? And one of those players would be Jorge Garbejosa's corpse?

Weapons of Mass Status Quo

From Grog:

Given what their options were – renounce everyone, get space, hope to get a significant free agent – deciding to kind of stay the course makes by far the most sense to me.

From Bush:

With just two weeks until Election Day, the White House sought to ease political anxieties over security in Iraq — most notably by no longer saying the United States will "stay the course" in Iraq — but rejected calls from lawmakers for a dramatic policy shift.

White House press secretary Tony Snow said Monday the phrase "stay the course" doesn't capture the "dynamism" of the tactics America and its allies are employing.

"He stopped using it," Snow said of that phrase.

As you know, you play basketball with the team you have, not the team you might want or wish to have...

...

...

Unless, of course, you just do.

Animated Grunty Dopplegangers

And, seeing how I figure they’ll at least remain ahead of New York and likely catch New Jersey in the last week and a half and they’re ninth now, a couple of wins takes them from a 1.7 per cent chance of winning to, perhaps, 0.8 per cent.

That’s what? Nine-tenths of one per cent? Big whoop.

http://bigwhoopwannafightaboutit.ytmnd.com/

The Pot Calling the Black Guys Black

Grog:

So, Cleveland-Detroit ends, there are a whole bunch of other games I’d like to check out but I had to switch the channel rather than listen to those buffoons do their low-brow comedy and butcher the language.

I’m all for schtick but basic usage of the English language would be a nice thing to get from national television broadcasters.

I just pulled up a sentence using my "Doug Smith Poor Writing Random Finder 4000":

This wraps it all up and is gleaned from a very good e-mail basket I’m going to have to get to quickly this week.

Okay, so maybe Dougie butchers the English language too but at least he stays perfectly clear of the low brow humour (I keed, I keed).

An open letter to anyone who puts stock in the NBA Awards

Oh yeah, the much anticipated e-mail from the league office arrived yesterday, carrying with it the ballots for the post-season awards.

And like a kid a Christmas, I opened it eagerly to see what I got.

A tough job is what I got.

How about MVP, Coach of the Year and Rookie of the Year.

Three difficult, difficult choices. Luckily, there’s a couple of weeks left before they have to be returned. It’ll give me some thinking to do.

Dear sirs and madams,

If fretting or squabbling about the true, right and honourable recipient of the coveted Most Valuable Player medal whilst the season of basketball winds to its end, remember sirs and madams that the governing council of such accolades includes one such Douglas Perriweather Smithington IV; and that Sir Smithington considers the delicate nuances of the glorious sport of shooting orange rubber apparati through a peach basket about as intelligently as a monkey thinks about poo.

Yours truly,

FDS

Beat grunting is a seriously objectively serious business

Straight to the hall of fame, this Sean Marks: 

And I tell ya, he’s one of the really good guys.

We’re in San Antonio at a finals one year, he’s playing for the Spurs. It’s an off-day and the last thing a gaggle of grunts wants to do for dinner is fight the crowds on the Riverwalk so I asked Sean for a recommendation and he tells us to go to the Quarry Market, sit outside at this one place and it’ll be great.

So, Toronto, Philly, Minneapolis and Jersey all head out there, we’re having a lovely dinner and here comes a round of cocktails, courtesy of Mr. Marks, who’s sitting at a table over there.

Did Matt Bonner never buy Lord Grunting a meatball sub? Tsk, tsk. 

Wait... The Toronto Star paid for Doug Smith to go to the NBA Finals? 

In the same post:

You know I’m not a big stats geek at all, in fact I think the fact most of them can be bent to suit any purpose renders them a very insignificant part of most conversations but, still, 22 points and 19 assists is darn impressive.

Noting boxscores now qualifies for stats geekery?

"You know I'm not a physics geek at all, in fact I think the fact [sic] most of Newton's laws can be bent to suit any purpose renders them a very insignificant part of most conversations but, every time I try to jump, I land back down on the ground and that is darn impressive."

Money doesn't grow on trees, it sprouts from assfaces

This made me choke on my apple sauce:

One kind of funny anecdote: when I was gathering some thoughts on the topic of how the economy might impact the coming free agent class, I suggested to Shawn Marion that there was the possibility that he might have to sign for the mid-level this summer. He looked confused. I'm not sure it has ever crossed his mind.

A grunt you can believe in

Now, before any of you get too worked up, he’s [Marc Iavaroni] here to be an observer, won’t be on the bench or anything this year and is not – I repeat IS NOT – going to be the next head coach of the Raptors.

Just because The Doug said something definitive about anything, I'm going to have to assume that Marc Iavaroni is now the front-runner to be the Raptors next head coach. While I'm not in the mood to look up old "the Raptors are taking a serious look at Travis Best" columns, you'll have to trust me that Doug's certainties are proof of concept for the kind of insider aggrandizing that makes grunts grunts and us non-grunts. Here's hoping he returns to more familiar ground -- wild speculation peppered with hokey, colloquial blue-skying.

[further down the post]

Can you envision Jay with Iavaroni as his lead assistant? I can. And I’m pretty sure there are people in the organization who can.

[further still]

Well, a wise man or two suggested that maybe they make a call to P.J. Carlisemo.

Great assistant, history of winning, probably done as a head coaching prospect after three shots at it, familiar with Jay from the summer Olympic team gigs, familiar with Bryan from the same thing.

Make sense?

A bit, you have to admit.

Ahh. That's the good shit.

Doug v. Doug

Grogginess: 

This really getting a bit tedious, isn’t it?
...

Action: Yeah, like there was any last night.

Reaction: 65 down, 17 to go.

That’s about all I’ve got off that one, folks

Doesn't it seem like Senor Grog is getting sick of it all? Like following this sad little team is pathetic and he just wishes it was over just like the fans? Buck up, Big Doug! I'll let none other than you, in all your contradictory goodness rebut: 

A: The season is not over, there are 25 games left to play and it will end most likely on April 15. Of course, it won’t end then for me. And, frankly, whether you or anyone thinks it’s “over” is of quite little consequence to me because I still have to do my job.

A wee bit too late

Can someone please tell Hans Douglas Smith that you're supposed to pick scrappy feel-good underdogs BEFORE they upset?

New favourite ball team:

Netherlands.

Anyone else watch that great game last night before clicking over to Phoenix-Dallas?

My new favourite team is the '07 NY Giants.

If Doug Smith is doing ro-coms, Stephon Marbury should do after schools specials

From TrueHoop via New York Times:

Howard Beck of The New York Times recounts a preseason exchange between Marbury and a player he'll compete with for minutes, Eddie House: "After Marbury drew a foul on Kendrick Perkins and hit two free throws, he turned and screamed at House, from midcourt: 'You're a bum!' When play returned to the Celtics' side of the court, House chirped, 'Don't worry about me. You better worry about Ray Allen,' whom Marbury was guarding. Marbury shot back, 'You're nothing!' then added, 'You're caught up in basketball. Get caught up in life.'"

Marbury transports magically onto a chain-link inner-city court next to an obviously troubled youth.

"Hey there, troubled youth. You've been hanging with the wrong crowd and experimenting with alcohol and marijuana You're caught up in basketball. Get caught up in LIFE!"

At which point he high fives the troubled youth, drops 10 pairs out-of-stock Starbury's from Steve & Berry's and disappears.

The Grunty Man Can!

From Mail grog:

Q: Could you provide me one reason as to why I should look forward to next season and continue to follow the team this year? Thanks.

John V, Markham

A: No, and I don’t really care whether you do or not. That’s your decision, this is my job and I’ve got to do it whether you look forward to next season or not. Please don’t confuse me with a season-ticket salesman.

-

Q: Doug Smith, I would like you to admit that the 2008-2009 Toronto Raptors season is over! They will not make the playoffs and quite frankly, do not deserve to. They look like they have given up. This has taught me a lesson (especially watching tonight)...NEVER GIVE UP!

Eric M, Toronto

A: The season is not over, there are 25 games left to play and it will end most likely on April 15. Of course, it won’t end then for me. And, frankly, whether you or anyone thinks it’s “over” is of quite little consequence to me because I still have to do my job.

Okay, now sing with me, to the tune of "The Candy Man" from Willy Wonka:

Who can take a question?
And turn it into poo.
An innocent little question.
Such an easy thing to do.

The Grunty Man can. (The Grunty Man can)
The Grunty Man can because he doesn't understand like a sports writer shoooooould.

Okay, this one to the tune of the "Oompa Loompa" song:

Beat grunt, meat blunt, blippity bee.
I've got another question for thee.
What do you get when you ask for questions?
Then get offended when your readers ask some.
Is it because you don't know much about the team?
Or are you just a bitter man?

Why Doug Smith should never write voice overs for romantic comedy trailers

The playoffs? Pah! The playoffs are so far away they may as well be on Mars; the thing they’ve got to fix is there hearts. And their brains. Can they? Who knows. But they’ve got to try.

Give em heck, Doug!

I like this guy better than that guy

This guy.

That guy.

Humour in an otherwise despairing Jays prognostication...

From Dickie Griffin:

So, to summarize the rampant spring optimism: Hindsight being 20/20, if Rios produces 30-30, the Jays are 50-50 to finish 81-81. You gotta believe.

Doug Smith, CA

The money? Well, the Banks contract’s not great but Toronto may still have enough, depending on what it does in the coming summer, to get in on the tail end of the 2010 free agent sweepstakes. I’ll take a look at the financials more closely for the morning, though. The mind’s racing right at the moment.

Anyone else picturing Douglas sitting at a 19th century desk with a quill pen and an abacus trying to figure this whole collective bargaining agreement out? Or maybe a calculator-watch?

More hard-hitting insight from Dougie

Overall, I’d say Toronto came out okay. Not great, certainly not slam dunk, but not a bad deal all in all.

You are a writer. You are paid to have an opinion, you dumb fuck.

State The Obvious Man returns with more Banalysis

Why did I check the grog knowing I have work to do and that the chances something DS wrote would make my sores itch were 78.9%.

Okay, let’s say Bryan doesn’t get anything done before next Thursday at 3 p.m. and exactly the same team post-deadline goes to New York to play the Knicks on Friday.

Is that a bad thing?

I’m not sure.

Hedging against inaction. That's how you fight the sports blogs for relevancy, Big Doug.

I honestly think there are only two things he should be contemplating doing (at least things that will have a legitimate impact, nothing like an absolute nothing-for-nothing deal like The Gangster for Fred Jones last year):

Of course he means Juan Dixon but that's a human error, and we don't dwell on those at FDS. Primoz's roster spot is now taken by an even worse awkwardo, Jake the Stake. (it's funny because he doesn't move well. I keed, I keed.)

1. Move Jermaine for Marion because it gives him more financial flexibility sooner. I’m not sure it makes Toronto a much better team, although it does move Bargnani back to the five and that’s not a horrible thing. And it does give them more rebounding at the three and Marion, some think, is more a four than a three so he can move into that spot some times.

But what it does, as we’ve said a kabillion times, is open up more possibilities for improvement in the summer.

The Toronto Star: Reporting on breaking stories at least a kabillion and one times. 

Hey Doug: Us no playoffs. Matter not who rich guys pout on court and collect cheques. We no able watch games on TV anyways. 

What the f#%@ are you sure about?? 

Doug Smith at the greakfast table this morning: "I usually have cereal for breakfast. Would having eggs be a bad thing? I'm not sure if eggs make a better breakfast than cereal but I can't see having eggs as being a huge mistake." 

2. If – and this is a big “if” – he can get someone for Kapono who has a year less left on his deal he probably should do it. Jason’s been good for two games, and Lord knows us grunts would miss him in the locker room, but if there’s a way to lessen the financial load and get someone more athletic, the GM should do it.

Did Smithers just give the Bryan Colangelo (hokey, fence-sitting, flip-floppity) permission to try to unload two of the most overpaid players in the NBA for better players, more athleticism and cap space? Thank you, Doug. WE'RE FREE! WE'RE FREE!!!!!!

Fire Another Smith (and Raptors Republic for eating this crap up)

This whole story is ridiculous. And this is the last time I'll ever link to this toolface's blog. I bet it was ghost written by this kid. 

Accusations of story fabrication have followed Stephen A. Smith throughout his entire career since being let go from the Philadelphia Inquirer 15 years ago. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this guy has been fired from every job he's ever had. Every talk show they've rolled out for him has failed within months. He single handedly brought down the CNN/SI network. Every serious NBA writer and analyst in the industry, including ESPN's think this guy is a joke and have not commented on this non-story because they have nothing nice to say. (Major points to anyone who corners Henry Abbott in an elevator and asks him what he thinks of this guy) Stephen A. Smith has been publicly dismissing Chris Bosh and the Toronto Raptors for years now (the inexplicable comparison to Manute Bol, deriding every draft pick the Raptors have ever made) 

Maybe Bosh snubbed him for an interview once. Maybe he has a possession of narcotics conviction and was denied entry into Toronto sometime during a strip clubs of North America tour. Maybe he just realized that if you're loud enough and throw enough bullsh*t around Peter Vescey-style, someone will lend you a suit put you on TV. If this were the New York Times, Smith would have been fired and the paper would be issuing an embarrassing apology and Oprah would have issued a fatwa. But it's sports media, where any move that passes the Trade Machine is considered a legitimate trade possibility. Where, if you can't prove a certain player will retire with his current team, you can't deny that he might be traded to 29. 

The fact that anyone is talking about this crap and making this toolface into a celebrity again for a week is just sad. Not sad in the dying puppy way, but sad in the Pauly Shore's career way. If, in the summer of 2010, the Raptors are still scraping by and there's an opportunity to go to a contender for a lesser but otherwise max deal, Chris will probably go. Otherwise he will stay. If playing for this obviously mediocre team (in which anyone with half a brain could realize they would be with a washed-up malcontent eating up a 3rd of the salary and a prize free agent 3 point shooter who can barely play the rest of the game) makes Bosh miserable, he'll ask for a trade publicly and be gone within a week. Maybe we'll go after Carlos Boozer. Maybe we'll relocate to St. Louis. Maybe who the fuck cares this is rampant speculation.

Stephen A. Smith is to sports journalism as Tia Tequila is to television. He's a giant toolface who made you believe he's important. I guess that makes you the bigger toolface.

This is fun though.

This is fun too.